Syria Is For Lovers

Or maybe it isn't. It's hard to know anything about it, outside of the fact it has a zip code. Thanks, internet. Anything else? A lodge perhaps? A reason for naming the town Syria? I think what everybody really wonders is what would happen if the high school football team from Syria, Virginia played the squad from nearby Damascus, Maryland. Personally, i imagine it turning out something like this:


or maybe this:


It's easy to forget that Lawrence Fishburne played Cowboy Curtis in Pee Wee's Playhouse in 1986, kind of like how it's easy to forget that Yugoslavia doesn't exist anymore. But then it just comes back to you one day, and you wonder if you'll ever be the same. So you climb the emergency ladder to the roof of the Yerba Buena ice skating arena and look at all the big buildings and wait to be apprehended by security. But they don't come. So you go home. And write this.


Four Days Distance: 27.38 miles

Total Distance Covered: 2,376.16 miles

Syria, Virginia

Welcome to Virginia (Manly Deeds, Womanly Words?)

Welcome to the Commonwealth of Virginia, and our first Atlantic-coastal state! We're walking in to Harrisonburg, Virginia this Thanksgiving, also known as the "friendly city" as demonstrated here on Virginia's state flag:


You might say, why is that man standing on that other man, Mommy? And Mommy would of course respond, because when two men love each other very much, one stands on top of the other, and nine months later, a commonwealth is born! Or perhaps Mommy would explain that when a man wears a purple dress in a southern state, there's no telling what might become of him. Or his (fabulous?) yellow crown.

But really. It's good to be in this part of the country this time of year. And by this part of the country, i mean of course sprawled on my flea-ridden living room floor watching To Catch a Predator. and crying. alone. in the dark. But it's great to be in Virginia.



As this balloon clearly demonstrates. I think state mottoes are severely underused in the twenty-first century. While few states are quite so adamant as Virginia, other ones haven't even declared one. But Maryland has it straight. Manly deeds. Womanly words. Maryland. Lets do this.



This Week's Damage: 28.75 miles

Total Damage Caused: 2,348.78 miles

Harrisonburg, Virginia

Red Red Wine

This is our last week in West Virginia, just twenty miles from the Virginia border, and today we're in Brandywine. 230 years ago, a significant Revolutionary War battle took place on the banks of the creek, where the redcoats began a push that would lead to the seizure of Philadelphia two weeks later. A few celebrities showed up too!


the original Dubya was there. You might recognize him, he's on the one. While it was a defeat for Washington's army, you can't blame us, seeing as this guy didn't bother showing up at all.


Regardless, how much did the states really care about losing Philadelphia in the first place? If the Brits decided to invade again to celebrate the 230th anniversary, i doubt there would be much more resistance. Just Donovan McNabb and the Phillie phanatic, the most ridiculous mascot in sports history.

I suppose they might scare 'em off.


Five Days Walking: 28.80 miles

Total Distance Covered: 2,319.03 miles

Brandywine, West Virginia

The Swedish Bikini Team, or, The Fall of Rowlesburg High

Seeing as the wikipedia (word of god?) article regarding Rowlesburg appears to have been written by a fourteen year old who may or may not have been drinking Baileys out of a shoe at the time, i can't really talk about it at length. I think there was a significant flood that ruined a high school there, but if i read anymore of that entry i might lose a little of my profound faith in the site, and nobody wants to see that happen.


So i guess i'll just have to talk about the Swedish Bikini Team.

No no no no, better not be doing that. Too much else out there. Busy world. I should know, as i've inherited free cable at my new apartment. In fact, in the two hours its taken me just to write three sentences on here i've been watching Larry King interview four marines who saw a UFO and brought the proof of "notes" that one of them took on the spaceship's symbols that look something like these:


Basically, if somebody doesn't come barging through my door to drag me screaming back to my typewriter within the next four hours (or before i find a COPS marathon) its pretty much over for me. It's okay. I had a good run.


Four Days Walking: 24.72 miles

Total Distance Covered: 2,290.23 miles

Rowlesburg, West Virginia

We're Not There Yet!

Contrary to popular beliefs, we're not "there yet," the Rockies didn't win the world series, butter is delicious, and i have no familial ties to Toni Kukoc, as once suggested by a sunglasses vender at Flatirons Mall. These rumors are largely the result of me not having internet, and Cameron Turner being the primary reader of this website.


Maybe i should let the Kukoc thing remain a mystery after all. He looks pretty dope. Anyway, i'm walking a new route these days through Hayes Valley, where i live in a furniture-less apartment with faulty lightswitches and soiled carpets. Things are magnificent, but i'm further neglecting you faithful few, and i suppose i'm about to lose the last two of you any minute. While internet orders can take anywhere from a week to jennifer lopez' pregnancy announcement (wow, that was the dumbest thing i've ever said) i'll continue to treat you like goldfish, but with promises of a brighter, better future.


I would also like to take this moment to get everyone a little extra pumped about finishing this walk by saying that a very important announcement will be made when i have crossed the finish line on the other side of the US, and maybe we'll hold a lottery or raffle or bake sale to go with it. I love baked goods. Almost as much as general H.H. Gough does. I'll be back.

Two Weeks Walks: 62.62 miles

Total Distance Covered: 2,265.51 miles

Weston, West Virginia (and i didn't say nothin.)