A Legend Lost to... Legend

Now, i love Wikipedia and embrace it as the word of god in the twenty-first century as much as the next man, but its really given me nothing on this one. I've actually wandered into a town called Santa Claus, Indiana, and this is what the internet has to say about it:

The community of Santa Fe was laid out i 1846. The story of how it received the name of Santa Claus has roots both in fact and legend. In January of 1856 the town applied for a post office to be installed. They submitted their application under the name of Santa Fe. The application was returned to them with the message, "Choose another name than Santa Fe." The process of settling upon the name of Santa Claus has been lost to legend.

Well, that was a nice story. Another sip of arsenic? oh my, why not. We're all being so NAUGHTY, aren't we? Seriously, who got to write this little blurb? I don't see many facts, let alone legends, in that statement, and i'm about ready to move on. But wait.

Santa Claus, Indiana is a very real place. Industrialists chose it for the site of the "worlds first themed attraction" in 1946, when they constructed Santa Claus Land. Years later, the park's name would be altered to "Holiday World" to capitalize off more holidays, and soon the park will adopt its newest moniker, "Please Come Back to Funworld, We're So Damned Lonely." Santa Claus has always been a competitive environment for entrepreneurial dreamers, as Milton Harris chose it as the site for Santa's Candy Castle, a toy village adorned with candy cane towers and elf-pits. Only a few years went by before the orgy of materialism nabbed the attention of Carl Barrett, the Chicago head of the Illinois Auto Club. Barrett planned his own tourist attraction, “Santa Claus Park,” and in 1935, dedicated a 22 foot-tall statue of Claus on the tallest hill in town, proudly announcing its carving from 100% pure granite. Years later, as cracks began to form, it was determined to have been cement all along.

That said, don't anyone be surprised if ten years from now, i'm still wandering around the cemeteries of Santa Claus, Indiana, attempting to dig up the ghosts of industrialist dreamers, sleeping in the rusted out carriages of old ferris wheels, and writing 800 pages on what this all "means"...


Week's Distance: 31.84 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,919.71 miles

Santa Claus, Indiana

Welcome to Indiana!

Yes, Indian friends, welcome one and all to Indiana, home of the The Wabash Cannonball, and Peyton Manning, for that matter. Didn't i promise we'd be moving through states progressively faster as we headed East? Don't i always make good to my promises? No!? Why do you always have to bring up that ONE time, i swear to god its the only excuse you have, and its a crutch, do you hear me!?

I mean, HI kids! We're in Indiana, and today we're going to be talking about town twinning. The concept of "town twinning," or matching two different cities in two different countries for their demographic, political, or cultural similarities, with the purpose of fostering human and cultural bondage between foreign allies. The notion of twinning was brought into play following that nasty little spat we called World War II, to bring European countries closer to one another, and perhaps help them learn to cope with frog-eating, polygamy, and whatever else might have caused that big shake-down. Dwight Eisenhower embraced the idea of a "playdate" for American cities, and the 1950's saw a boom in town twinning, under the new Americanized term sister cities. Obviously Eisenhower liked the ssss.. cciti.. sound, like a snake, more than the toww.. twinn.. alliteration the Europeans originally thought up. Damned savages.

Today we're in Evansville, Indiana, third largest city in the state of Indiana, and proud sister city to Osnabruck, in Lower Saxony, Germany. While it's sometimes quite difficult to imagine how two entirely separate cities and cultures might be linked, the sisterhood between Evansville and Osnabruck comes really naturally. Both were founded in the year 780 by Charlemagne, King of the Franks!!









Which one
is Mary-Kate,
and which is Ashley!??













God, this is fun. I'm as intrigued by this as anything i've read up on in the last few months. I believe a letter is in order to Sister Cities International to brush up on where my international pen pals are hiding. San Francisco appears to have 14 sister cities, which would make San Francisco's mom a dirty tramp, but i suspected as much already. I'm pleased to see Abidjan, Ivory Coast on there, but a part of me is jealous that Oakland, just across the freezing bay, gets to share with both Mongolia AND Cuba. Dammit.

And on a final note, speaking of eccentric match-ups, let's talk for just one second about Denver and sister city, Nairobi, Kenya. I suppose that would naturally make this the Kenyan equivalent of the Qwest building:

and in fair trade, Denver's equivalent of the Uhuru monument, Pete's Kitchen.


Four Days Distance: 31.88 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,887.87 miles

Evansville, Indiana

Thriving Barrel Making Economy, Anyone?

Now that i think about it, i haven't bought a barrel in a really long time, thereby contributing to the decline of highly dependent economies in towns like Mill Shoals, once a "thriving barrel making economy" according to Wikipedia, well-spring of infinite truth.

This fine gentleman looks positively radiant in his new black sock/fedora/barrel ensemble. While his color story is arguably drab, the circumference of his top really masks all hints of love handles and/or unsightly rashes. This gentlemen is evidently new to the fashion, as his arms are still flimsy and pathetic, impossible for someone who commits long term to holding up a gigantic wooden barrel around them. ex:

This guy has everything right. Suspenders to hold it up, and custom painted logos reflective of his own personal interests. There is no question this man has worn the barrel for a very, very long time. His own body has assumed the exact shape, so that he is mathematically in tune with his garments, something i haven't been able to say for myself since 1992.


Condensation on Tupperware Lid: 49.19 miles

Total Condensation Achieved: 1,855.99 miles

Mill Shoals, Illinois

Gods of Fury, Wandering, Poetry...

We're in Odin today, a smallish Illinois town who got their name from this guy:

Coincidentally, i recognize him as the guy who lives in the alleyway right behind my apartment! How cool is that? A letter is in order for Odin, Illinois, to notify the mayor that i've discovered the secret hiding place of this Norse death-monger.

Odin, in most circles, is a Norse equivalent to Zeus, with the exception that he doesn't fraternize with the lady-folk of the Norwegian lore, so much as wander, grow beards, and become furious/and or speak in verse. These are the types of traits i think i'd like to accrue by the time i'm old enough to grow a tremendous white beard, ponder over wild oxen, or lose an eye.

An Initially Lazy but Currently Utterly Frenzied 10 Days Distance: 38.91 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,806.80 miles

Odin, Illinois

Welcome to Illinois!

Welcome to the state where no matter who i'm talking to, or how indecipherably i slur it, the other person always stops the whole conversation to tell me i'm saying it wrong. Silent S's, Sufjans, and Ditka's Bears, we're over the border into Illinois.

Mascoutah, no less. Which still qualifies as the Greater St. Louis region. I always found that term sadly ironic, as the "greater" areas outside of a cities are rarely that, generally consisting of slums, ousted poor people, and landfills. This rule applies more to the city of "East St. Louis" sitting on the opposite side of the Missouri border, rumored to have some of the worst ghettos this side of Tibet.
Speaking of Tibet, here's a picture of a grain elevator. Now i'm going to Santa Barbara.

Two Days Distance: 13.67 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,767.89 miles

Mascoutah, Illinois

Red Chief vs. Jiffy Lube

We're reporting live beneath the St. Louis arch today, and boy is it metal. In my opinion, this is among the greatest American monuments ever built, as impressive in its own right as say, the Eiffel Tower. The only thing the Eiffel Tower has going for it is being a little older (more booger wipes) and further away than the arch, and more importantly, it lacks robot indians living under it. Does anybody else know about this? Beneath the arch, for people cheap enough to skip the tram ride, is the "Museum of Western Expansion," host to a number of antiquated robotic cowboys and indians who tell their harshly abbreviated stories every 3 and a half minutes, regardless if anybody's listening. Proof!

St. Louis is also home to a number of sports teams i hate with a passion, and one i used to love dearly, almost entirely because this guy was the captain.


Chris Pronger is a mean son of a daisy, but he's 6'6'' and a belligerently violent cheater, therefore making him the perfect hockey player. For a while he and Al MacInnis and Keith Tkachuk were really whooping ass in the NHL. Never Stanley Cup ass, but ass. Now he's being suspended for the Mighty Ducks every other game, and hockey just isn't the same to me. I only have room in my heart for one last place team.

This marks our last day in the state of Missouri, and our official departure of the West. We're entering the portal of the real Midwest now, and odds are we won't be seeing anything of this nature again until at least Ohio.

Another Week's Walks: 52.58 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,754.22 miles

St Louis, Missouri