Horses, History, and Hospitality

Babies, i'm still with you, i'm just knee-deep in grad school marshmallow these days, and i apologize outright. We've made our way deep into Kentucky, all the way to Paris, a town dating back to 1775, when it was founded on the Stoner Fork of the Licking River. Really, nothing up this sleeve. The entry writes itself. It's magical.


Yes, here we are. The town started out with the fine name of Hopewell, Virginia, but went ahead and changed it to "reflect appreciation for French assistance during the Revolutionary War." You may have heard of that war, you know, it was the one that looked like this:


So how is it that, after only 232 years, the image we now find first when searching for a place like Paris, Kentucky is this one?

What this says to me is that its been a reaallly long time since the Revolutionary War. Some would argue too long. Because i don't forsee many of the pictured above being able to cross the Delaware River like Washington, noble as a radiant sun god. No siree. Still, they've got a good motto down in Paris, that goes a little something like "Horses, History, and Hospitality." That's something everyone can enjoy. Myeahh.


The Neverending Story: 69.24 miles

Total Distance Covered: 2,076.24 miles

Paris, Kentucky

2,000 miles

i've walked over two-thousand miles since i started counting last september, and golly am i consistent. or should i say, pedometers are accurate. i walked the second thousand miles within a week's time as the first. maybe that isn't amazing. how about... this??

i don't think there are too many folks out there who wouldn't find this amazing. placement of inflatable jumping jesus hinges on a LOT of rules, including both powerline and high heel avoidance, not to mention the obvious potential guilt for using the son of god as a foofcastle.

i did about two seconds of research today on simpsonville, kentucky, before diving headfirst down my third story trash chute in fit of terror- what i uncovered, 2,000 miles from the sanctimonious red gates of san francisco, was something so hideous, a creature so vile that it could only exist in the remotest of fields in rural Kentucky. ALPACAS!

what the hell is that thing? it looks like it escaped from a test tube at skywalker ranch in a bizarre experiment with nicole ritchie's DNA. apparently these things are entirely domesticated and originate from the high mountain ranges of the Andes of Ecuador. So, really, flatland Kentucky makes sense. This research has led me to a number of near-epiphanies about what exactly it is that i love about this country, but every time i think i've narrowed it down, something gets thrown into the gears that i have to imagine is the chip they planted in the back in my neck that says to turn on the presidential debate, maybe you'll develop a mature opinion about the war of your own. silly me. silly alpacas. buy more mercedes. eat chips.


Three Day's Distance: 22.01 miles

Total Distance Covered: 2,006.91 miles

Simpsonville, Kentucky

Welcome to Kentucky!

Indeed, we've jumped the shark clean into Louisville, Kentucky, birthplace of Muhammad Ali, Hunter Thompson, and the world's largest supplier of baseball bats. Frankly, i couldn't feel more at home, and with a skyline like this, who doesn't want to sit back, put their boots up on something, and stay awhile?

Not to huff off old material, but seeing as i'm tired as an '83 Tercel, i'd like to mention that for anybody still keeping score, you might take note that Louisville, Kentucky is proud sister city to both Perm, Russia, and Jiujiang, China. A quick search for Perm offers up this gem from the top ten most-sought images:

It's a gift that keeps on giving, really. Louisville is simultaneously the largest producer of bourbon in the US, & consistently ranked in the top ten "safest cities" in America, a fact that i enjoy almost as much as the idea of knocking this gigantic baseball bat down:

The next time someone gets liberal access to a Chinook helicopter, please let me know, as i'll proceed to purchase a two hundred foot grain elevator somewhere in rural Iowa, and find a place to hide this giant bat. I figure, if i bury the entire thing in the ground at the exact location that Kevin Costner stood when he heard Shoeless Joe whispering into the dark cornfield, i might finally understand why strawberries taste so damn weird right after i brush my teeth.


This Week's Worth: 30.61 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,984.90 miles

Louisville, Kentucky

Get Your Kicks... in French Licks?

How did Indiana come up with these great town names? Out of every state we've traipsed across over the past year, i think Indiana writes its own entries better than the lot. For example, today we're in French Lick. What? Don't worry, i google-imaged it, and you can imagine how that went. Speaking of which, i should do an entire entry on 21st century verbs that would make your grandparents wonder what ever happened to THIS future: George Jetson is like, so not facebooking Astro later on tonight, after he felt up his man-boobs on the way to Hooters for dinner.

God, thats creepy. Anyway, we're in French Lick. Which sounds like a joke, but actually used to be a casino hub for the likes of boxer Joe Louis and Al Capone. Oh yeah, and Franklin D. Roosevelt won his nomination for president in the French Lick Springs Hotel. And somebody named Larry Bird was born here. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

WHHAAAT!? Apparently French Lick is the greatest town on earth. The bottling plant for a "revolutionary laxative" called Pluto Water, AND Larry Bird? I'm just going to close the research windows right now, for fear that this might get any better. I really just chose this town because it seemed too easy, but now i think i'm moving there. Pretty soon we're going to find out that cookies and lesbians were invented there too. A hidden land of enchantment. If you ever stop hearing from me for ten years or think that i'm dead, i'm probably just chilling in "the Lick."


Weekly Distance: 34.58 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,954.29 miles

French Lick, Indiana