Welcome to Missouri!

All baseball talk aside, welcome to Missouri, one and all. Thrown in to the Lousiana Purchase by the French like an extra pokemon in a happy meal, Missouri is home to 5 and a half million god-fearing Americans, invincible asphalt I-70, and some incredibly patient highly-trained bears. (see: flag)

Missouri always struck me as the portal to the Eastern half of the States- when you get about midway through, there is very little Kansas nothingness left, and the beginnings of true Tennessee, boiled peanuts and rolling green bumps as far as the eye can see through the hailstorm on the autobahn. Just speaking from experience, here.

In other news, i really can't resist plugging this anymore: my robot is pregnant

This is the website of an ex-classmate of mine at State, who maintains an incredible blog on life in San Francisco, bee-keeping, and all things tractor and/or penis related. He has no idea that i read it religiously, or that i remotely enjoy his writing, which i do tremendously. The truth is, i should have made buddies with him. Last time we spoke he was designing a "homeless person suit" made out of blue tarp to combat the Frisco rains. Anybody who wants to just go ahead and start reading his website instead of mine won't have anything held against them.

Speaking of holding things against someone bitterly, i've decided to open up a mosquito-powered hateful tirade brigage against Starbucks. Through a series of witty and searing letters, i intend to deconstruct the coffee mogul like my little brother's lego castle under my nine year old heel. I will be designing and pitching my own personal series of "The Way I See It" tidbits that might someday grace the exterior of your coffee transporter. As you might imagine, they are tremendously perverse. More on this soon.

Week's Wanderings: 61.58 miles

Total Wandering Achieved: 1,570.24 miles

Leaving Kansas City, Missouri

Welcome to Kansas City, Missouri!

This be the holy land. On the day i walked into Kansas City, fifteen hundred miles from home, the Royals put up 17 runs on their hated in-state rival St. Louis Cardinals. Here is Mecca. If it hadn't already been done by the greatest one to ever play here, i might get down on my hands and knees to kiss the ground. We've made it. Well, to Kansas City, at least.

And who could ask for more? Kansas City boasts the cleanest drinking water in the nation, more boulevards than anywhere in the world other than Paris, and more fountains than anywhere in the world besides Rome. And who gives a pope's crap about those places anyway? This is the birthplace of Charlie Parker and the Kansas City Jazz scene. Hemingway wrote for the newspaper during the first World War. Disney opened his first animation studio here. Plus, Burt Bacharach and Jean Harlow, icing on the cake.

This is Dan Quisenberry. He played for a team called the Kansas City Royals, a ball club that replaced the Athletics when they abandoned the city of fountains for greener pastures in, ahem, Oakland, in 1969. Ten years later, this photo was taken of Quisenberry delivering his famous "submarine" slider in a powder blue uniform, most likely with the sound of the BeeGee's welcoming him to the mound every inning.

Here i am, fast asleep in the back seat of a speeding Swedish automobile, bound for Kansas City in 2006. I was born in 1984. I took my first steps the following year, possibly to the sound of the announcer's voice on the television proclaiming that for the first time in history, the Kansas City Royals had won the World Series. The rest of my life has been a snowballing realization that my destiny and purpose in life, shrouded in mystery as they might be, are inseperably bonded to this organization, who have gradually and quite sadly slipped into the category of lowest common denominator in Major League Baseball. Not for long, though.

A team is being assembled out there of the finest young individuals in America, emerging from adolescent comas to produce writing and artwork of the highest caliber. This new movement will soon be at the vanguard of American progress, paving the way for generations to come. These kids are dedicated like nothing you've ever witnessed, and soon you will know them by name. They will write for your paper. They will serve your drinks. They will control the future of culture itself in the 21st century, and literally have you by the balls. They are all very real Royals fans.

People never stop asking me, what's this whole Royals thing about, anyway? And while i'm tiring of the half-hour version, i can offer a few hints. It's about this:

and this:and this.

Two Day's Distance: 14.37 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,508.66 miles

Kansas City, Missouri

Wilbur & Orville, Unlike Young Seth, Eat Good In The Neighborhood

Welcome to the original Applebees in Overland Park, Kansas! It's just a little old mom and pop's style restaurant, where retiring high school basketball coaches have their pictures hoisted onto golden plaques and their wives shed a delicate tear before the eight dollar chinese chicken salad arrives.. i know someone out there has seen the commercial.. A little known fact about Applebees is that they condone alcohol consumption for small children! Here is the tale of little Seth, the only 5 year old hungover at fingerpainting the morning after his mommy took him to Applebees. This only cost the restaurant 75 grand, and Seth got his taste of true Kansas City Life. Ten miles from Kauffman. Let's talk about it.

Mom Sues Applebees Over Drunk Kid

Three Day's Distance: 15.97 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,494.29 miles

Entering Overland Park, Kansas

The Last Great Sacking Of Lawrence..

We've arrived in Lawrence, the shining ruby magic exception gem of conservative, flatlanded Kansas! Many a fine tale has been woven here on Massachusetts Ave, many a jagged hill bombed by razor scooter, many a scar earned doing so, many a campus peed on by vandals bearing striking resemblances to lemurs...

see what i mean? This particular lemur has the distinct honor of being the only subject matter/object of ridicule to occupy two separate posts on this website, of course excluding references to the great George Brett. Congrats!

Speaking of which, i can vaguely make out a skyline in the distance. What could it be? I've seen nothing but haybales and conflicting signs debating the morality of pornshops and the anger of God and half-priced priced bargain blowouts on arabic pony porn, next exit. Kind of makes a man want to settle down. I am, of course, referring to the great Kansas City, which awaits us at the very next stop. 26 miles, my babies, and bet your gold nugget the Royals will be in town.

But let's live in the now. Now we're in Lawrence, seen here being sacked in 1863. Our arrival also marks a significant crossover into official "potential civil war material" zone. At any point from now on, i might draw upon Civil War history to illuminate your lives with what i picked up from Mr. Pa'a, my high school Geog and US History teacher. Thanks to him, i learned to associate US geography solely via the NFL, and come to recognize Tennessee as the "dick-shaped state" belonging to "Mimal" the elf. More on that soon.

Knowing Lawrence, everybody there right now is probably concerned with the invention of basketball or how many people can order ribs at Cracker Barrel before the joint runs out, and they've probably forgotten all about their last great sacking. I imagine the first place i'll want to sack when the Royals win the pennant again will be Lawrence. It's a shame there isn't a landmark anniversary year coming up in the near future, we could organize a commemorative pillage by the All Star Game!

A Week's Voyage: 41.83 miles

Total Voyaging/Voyeuring: 1,478.32 miles

Lawrence, Kansas

The Old Tony Hawk 4 vs. Destiny Debate

Seeing as we're now under 70 miles from Kauffman Stadium WALKING, i had better back off on the baseball talk and save it for the upcoming days. I wouldn't want to be boring you with too many pictures of Barry Bonds' rookie card, which i've decided merits a striking comparison to O.J. Simpson. Coincidence? Just look at my last post! It's my homepage, so i've seen it now about ten billion times, and every time it pops up i swear its the Juice about to take a swing at my nose.

In other news, i have acquired a playstation 2 and relatively large television set, both of which were free, but will undoubtedly eventually cost me all ambition, integrity, optimism, motivation, and any remaining artistic abilities. On the bright side, Tony Hawk 4 is helping me cope tremendously with the pesky, nagging questions of destiny and/or purpose i once juggled. I wonder if the creators of the game had my specific demographic in mind? Twenty-something graduate student/burnout with near-nova-level illusions of grandeur, wasting away in retail purgatory.. Well, maybe. But i just unlocked this hidden zoo level where i kickflip varial 540 mctwisty handjobbed over a cage of african elephants, and for a brief moment, i lived.

Did i mention that we're approaching Kauffman Stadium at a dangerous velocity? God, i can't talk about anything else. We're in Topeka today kids, the capital of Kansas! Kansas just starts to get interesting around Topeka heading east on I-70, as you encounter the first small hill and turns in five hundred miles. However, a lesser known method of locating Topeka is by actually following the trail of gunsmoke.

Learn something new everyday. Sixty miles to Missouri. Giddy up.


Que Lastima, 45.24 Mile-o's Este Semana

Todos Mile-o's Covered: 1,436.49

Topeka, Kansas