The Lost Lonely Baby Fox Cubs of St. Peters

Honestly, i began this entry on St. Peters, Missouri, because i realized that i'll be out of the state in no time, and i've neglected it nearly as much as my roommate did his pot of rice that just about almost burnt down our entire apartment complex this weekend while i was in Hawaii. From what i gathered, two fire trucks arrived, and a total stranger GAVE my roommate a rice cooker on the street so that he wouldn't have trouble with rice almost erasing our entire lives. Without my knowing, last week rice almost ruined all my earthly possessions. Anyway, on to St. Peters!

I started this entry to give St. Peters some time, find some photos of the mayor giving out hugs and hi-fives and wheelchairs, praise the Midwest, yadda yadda. Then i got bored on Wikipedia's useless entry for the town, and i Googled it. What was my first hit? Let's just say it involves this guy, and from then on i'd never be the same.

This is my roommate. No. This is a furrie. Furries are people who come together to appreciate anthropomorphic human/animal artwork, role play with each other as fantasy animals, or hook up wearing elaborate, expensive tailored outfits. Basically, everything they can't do in Iraq right now. They hold massive conventions in Pittsburgh, of all places, where furries come from far and wide to dance, howl, and do worse things than you ever imagined in hotel rooms that we've probably all stayed in.

Anyhow, instead of finding information on lovely St. Peters, i found a post on a "furrie forum" by a certain "Kristopher" from the greater St. Louis area, who says:

"I am a diapered Furrie, I enjoy diapers, and role playing as a lost lonely baby fox cub."

If Al Gore hasn't once cursed the day he invented the internet, we might assume he's a furry. That's probably why he cares about the environment so much. As for me, i'm torn between never reading anything online ever again, buying some real estate in Tehran, and promising myself that by the time i die, i will have erased these images from my mind.

Two Days Distance: 12.98 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,701.64 miles

Dangerously Close to St. Peters, Missouri

No Ka Oi

What a terrible guy i am. Two solid weeks, and not a single word. About three days after i bought my sixth pedometer, i stepped on it in a fit of excitement to open my door. The screen inked black like a gameboy nightmare from 1989 and that was the end. Then i decided to go to Hawaii and go surfing. That's me up there about to shralp on a blue bodyboard. I do that sometimes.

But guess what, readers? To win you back, i'm going to post all the damn time now that i'm back. I know what you're thinking, Will, now that you're back, what's to stop you from being distracted by all the other things you usually get distracted with, and neglect us with the procrastination power of a thousand other suns? And to you, reader, i say this. Don't worry, because after ten days in Hawaii, i have nothing but walking to do for the next two straight weeks to pay for the flight i just took. So i have to be at work. Every day. For the rest of my life. Call me there sometime!

I'm going to give myself 50 miles for the whole ten-day ordeal. That's only a few miles a day, but i admit that i spent a lot of time sitting down. If anybody feels like discrediting or disputing my actual distance, that's cool too. I hate you.

No i don't. I love you. Please come back. I won't leave like that again. I'll go down to Rite Aid tomorrow for pedometer #7. Honest i will. I'm still walkin. Sorry Missouri. Sorry everyone.

Vacation Miles: 50.00 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,688.66 miles

Leaving Warrenton, Missouri

In Dependence of Happy Gas

Seeing as we're not far from Independence, Missouri, and Betsy Ross was a "fly ho" let's celebrate the 4th of July with a little pizazz.

Did you know that the first car was invented in 1408, and it ran on marijuana gasoline? Neither did i, until i met "The Cannibus Cheerleader" on the 71 bus back from Haight St. today. He sprouted out of a dirt planter outside of the boarded up GAP at the famed corner of Haight/Ashberry, and our bus ride would never be the same. He wore a raggedy (albeit fluffy) orange pimp hat, with flowers sewn to the top, and wielded a baton of long stemmed flowers and small balloons, which he claimed "used to be a baseball bat," a statement having nothing to do with the truth. At the top of his lungs, the cheerleader, with a smudgy but euphoric grin on his face, proceeded to make a series of incredible proclamations for the general public to enjoy, including:

* Santa Claus comes home with the munchies and the Easter Bunny loves grass.

* The Red Sox are the highest team in baseball, because a section of their outfield is exactly 420 feet from home plate.

* Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag with hemp, however she forgot to add the most important emblem, (the leaf) and Canada then stole the idea.

* Cars can run on a magical brand of fuel, called happygas.

This acid-induced tirade lasted a good twenty minutes, but not before he won over at least half the bus in sequestered spasms of laughter. Every time someone new broke down, he'd shake the flowery baton and shout, SEE! IT'S HAPPYGAS!!

Nobody can stay sane in this city after living here for more than a year or two. As i approach the dreaded anniversary of my Western voyage, i see now that i'm headed for my very own special place under the apricot tree.

Week's Walking: 45.78 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,616.02 miles

Leaving Independence, Missouri