Praise ogALLAH!

Welcome to Ogallah, Kansas, where the dating is hip, hot and sexy! At least according to their dating website, where you can meet the hottest singles in this town of 214 people! Take for instance "Kodiak6," a single 38 year old mother of four, who opens her profile with this ice-breaker:


"IF YOU ARE FROM OR HEADING TO AFRICA PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE FBI TO BE ARRESTED!!"


Could i make this up? "Kodiak" goes on to list a series of questions her man must be ready to answer, including such quandaries as: "can you handle being involved with a woman that handles large, aggressive animals?" To which of course i reply, no. But feel free to peruse this veritable goldmine here at WebDate-Ogallah.

My prolonged hiatus from checking in is due in part to the recent woes of my Kansas City Royals, who, despite hitting home runs for dying children (real!!) and me gluing together a resin lamp that i paid seventy three dollars to have shipped out from Topeka only to have shattered by FedEx, (long story) can't seem to find a way to win. I'm pretty upset about this, and the only things really keeping me from microwaving my nipple off in protest of major league baseball are the recent successes of the Golden State Warriors and the coverage of Alec Baldwin's angry phone call. To celebrate, here is a picture of Jason Richardson eating fat skyand a video someone out there made of Alec Baldwin instead directing his fury toward Dora the Explorer. I won't be gone that long again my babies, i'm still with you..

Ten Days Journeying: 61.17 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1232.14 miles

Leaving Ogallah, Kansas

Leather Boys

Halford, i'm thinking, why does that sound familiar? Did i pass through on one of many trips to KC? Perhaps we just gassed up, ate fresh, or rode a fake moose? No, that can't be it. Oh yeah, Halford. Now i remember.
Wham! There are a lot of things to argue over regarding what made 1984 one of the greatest years of all time, but i think it might very well be the fact that Rob Halford was the lead singer for Judas Priest, dressed this way every single night of his life, and nobody thought for a moment that he might be gay. And that's Reagan's America! What's cooler than that? The launch of the Discovery? Please.

Now i can't put up cool pictures of Rob Halford on my website without at least giving equal representation to the king:Seeing as i live in San Francisco, bets are i can find that jacket tomorrow if i hit every thrift store in town. I think i'll make that my number one life priority from this point on. I also think Halford, Kansas should be renamed Mercury, Kansas. Because compared to this guy, everything sucks.

Three Days Distance: 19.85 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1170.97 miles

Halford, Kansas

Levant Garde

I can't find anything on the towns we're passing through these days, besides the fact that around 200 people populate them, and there are infrequent tornados. Maybe there are secrets being kept, that only those 200 people can know about, and there are rules about posting those secrets online. Like, the rule is, you can't do it, you know?

Let's assume safely that there is probably at least one rampant t-rex in Levant, and i snapped this picture before jumping safely into a racecar and peeling out in a cloud and/or mist of smoke. That's why the population is so small, as soon as these kids can walk, that frickin t-rex just pops out of nowhere and challenges them to a game or something. Fair is fair, i guess.

Two Days Distance: 21.33 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1151.12 miles

Levant, Kansas

Scaling Mount Sunflower

We're passing the highest point in Kansas, the famous "Mt. Sunflower" located just beyond the Colorado border, consisting of a couple rocks, a metal sunflower, and a sign that declares nothing happened here in 1897. In 1998, five brave hikers documented their ascent of Mt. Sunflower, and you can see the results here:

















Into Thin Air!


Four Days Distance: 18.97 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1129.79 miles

Approaching Edson, Kansas

Welcome to Kansas!

What would happen if Bob Dole and Amelia Earhart had a baby? Welcome to Kansas, the only place you could ever think about something like that for more than two seconds.
Here's a picture of Bob Dole donning a jersey from the University of Kansas, where the game of basketball was invented.
Dole didn't invent the game of basketball itself, which is the only thing that would ever be cooler than the time Al Gore invented the internet, but it can be assumed Dole probably did lay about six tons of brick over Clinton from the three point line.

I realize now that i haven't talked about the landscape for about six weeks, and that this blog has somehow tumbled into some ambiguous pseudo-political burlesque house, but it's cool with me if it's cool with you.

Two Days Distance: 15.18 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1110.82 miles

Kanorado, Kansas

All American Heat

In this day and age of millions being spent to import Japanese robot pitchers into the AMERICAN major leagues, it's good to know that Ronald Reagan is looking down on opening day from the parting clouds of heaven and thinking to himself, rarfaphnigaaamusteradicate communismrarrg...... The particular robot i've referred to above is none other than "Dice-K" Matsusaka, who dismantled my Royals today with ten strikeouts, each pitch whizzing into the catchers mit like a Mitzubishi Zero. Just kidding. I'm almost over it.

Now that i've been doubly offensive, i'm excited to announce that Kansas is a mere 10 miles away, and we'll be officially crossing cultural borders in our departure from "the West" upon entry. Outside of a few ugg boots in Lawrence, there is nothing Western about Kansas. There, i made a joke without mention of WWII OR Reagan. Admit it, it wasn't nearly as good.
One Last Look at Colorado...


Three Day's Distance: 15.71 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,095.64 miles

Leaving Burlington, Colorado

One Condition

It's April, which means that the entire universe's knickers are becoming cosmically untwisted for the greatest time of year in the world. That's right. It's baseball season, spring is sprung, summer is coming, and the Royals are playing a homestand against the Boston Red Sox to begin the 2007 season. Not only is it that time of year, but we're about twenty miles from the Kansas border, and i'm about hotter than a jalapeno about it.



So anybody who isn't on board with America's pastime this season, be prepared for a swift 2x4 to the grill. That's Kansas City life. Kauffman, here we come.

Week's Distance: 44.80 miles

Total Distance Covered: 1,079.93 miles

Stratton, Colorado